if you love something, let it go
WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME
Now what were you thinking? After I read it the second time, I realized that there was something wrong with it. Then I thought, “What the heck. Go tissue paper.”
A line from John Green’s ‘The Fault in Our Stars’ caught my attention months ago whilst reading the book and it says, “…oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been turned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we’ll have…” It made me think. It made me ask myself. Every time the clock ticks, every single sleepless night, every coffee we drink just to make us feel awake during the mornings, it will not matter someday and that if so, if we will all just end up in oblivion, why do we even live? If everything we do in life will all be in vain because the world we live in will disappear one day, why do we even bother?
A few months ago, if somebody would ask me the question ‘why do you even exist’, I will just blink at him multiple times and tell him, “I do not know.” I never really knew the answer for that question. That was a point in my life when it felt like my life was going nowhere, when even I do not know what I really wanted to do in my life. Those months were the moments when everything that happened in my life were just a blur, when there were no ups and downs in my life and I was just accepting whatever comes my way. It was the time when I felt like a robot, doing the things that the society expects me to do because I have to. Those were the times when I felt the emptiness in my heart. Those were the times when I have lost my appetite to live. Within those months, I kept thirsting for the things that would keep me occupied. Those months were the months I spent searching for happiness and fulfillment in life. And, please, let me tell you that it was not a pleasant feeling. It was searching for a river in a dry, hot desert.
Anyway, after nights of contemplating, I was finally enlightened. It all ended while I was attending a Sunday service. The pastor said that, as Christians, aside from glorifying our Creator, we exist to be the salt and light in this corrupted and flawed world for our brethrens. We exist to heal and make other people’s lives spiced up while living on earth. We exist to enlighten them and lead them to the right path. When I heard that, things just clicked into the right places in my mind. I realized that people bother because they have to help each other get through life and to enjoy living the blessing of life together. Because these people know that living is a privilege and they have to cherish it, that they just have to live it. And that even if everything on earth will just end up in oblivion, it was, at least, worth living, and that there would be something good that would happen to them after life.
As for myself, I do believe that my purpose in life is to radiate happiness and love to the people around me and to share the beauty of life, to inspire them and to help them heal their pain. I believe that following my dream to become a doctor someday would help me fulfill this purpose in life.
It is true that searching for one’s purpose in life is not as easy as counting from one to three or reciting the alphabet from A to Z. But once you have found it, and I would like to put it in Charles Bukowski’s words, “It was like the beginning of life and laughter. It was the real meaning of the sun.” Finding one’s purpose is the real beginning of life. It is like being brought back to life from the abyss of emptiness. It was like seeing the ocean for the first time after living for years in the desert. To those people who are yet to find their own purpose in life, do not worry and just be patient because that time will come. To those people who have found the essence of their existence in life, I know that the road will get rough from time to time, but do not give up. Knowing your purpose is like really looking at the sunrise the moment you see it: you have to enjoy it and cherish it. You have to live it. Live ‘The Life’.
|||||||||| So this was my literature homework and I just wanted to post it here.
me digging your grave.
I dreamt of something about one of my greatest fears. In my dream, I was so miserable and lonely without someone to turn t. Then you came and save me from the abyss of loneliness, you made me see the light. I was so happy that you saved me. You took care of me, then made me feel loved. You made me feel alive again. Then the day came when you left me. Broken. Useless. Without a purpose. My heart was crushed into pieces while it was still beating. You went away and never came back.
The pain I feel right now is greater than the pain I used to feel. This time, it is too strong as if someone is ripping my heart directly through my chest, making me scream in agony.
I am a little yellow sunflower
Bloomed early in the summer
During the month of March
Under the clouds as white as starch.
I was watered and cherished;
I was loved and protected.
Passersby showered me with praises,
Talks about me went places.
"So adorable, so smart," they would say
Again and again until the end of the day,
And then I would smile say thanks.
Every day while growing up,
The little flower looks at the sun,
Looking all day until it was gone.
I am a melted chocolate,
Heated, molded into the case,
My maker making me into another form;
It does not matter if I was hurt or torn.
She wants me to be someone I am not,
Not caring at all if I get too cold or too hot.
Not caring if the flames are burning my skin,
From my skin and deeper into my bones,
From my head and up to my toes,
As long as she was happy,
She does not care if she hurts me.
I am a desert.
I am empty and I am dry,
Full of sand, facing the sky.
Isolated and alone,
I have no one but an animal’s bone.
People go away from my presence,
Never coming back chasing off senseless.
In the morning, I have to bear the pain
Of burning and the non-existent rain.
Every night when I feel cold,
I miss the feel of somebody’s hold.
I am a murderer.
Not of innocent men, but of my own happiness.
I have rejected the things that can make me happy
Because these things will only lead to my misery.
I have killed my own joys, my own hopes, my own heart,
So that it will not repeatedly break apart,
Hurting me over and over again in the process.
But the irony of it all is that
The things that I am
Are not the things that I want.
I do not want to be a sunflower,
Just looking at the blinding sun.
I want to be the bird who chases it,
And follow it so it won’t be gone.
I do not want to be a melted chocolate,
Taking the shape of its container.
I want to be the air,
Moving freely wherever it takes her.
I do not want to be the desert,
Dry and lonely with its own dirt.
I want to be the wide ocean,
Full of life and full of fun.
I do not want to be a murderer
Who kills her own happiness.
I want to be somebody who heals,
Somebody who takes away the sadness.
Most of all, I want to be who I am,
I want the world to see my own eyes
Without pretentions and with no lies.
I want them to see the real me,
Not the mask that they can see,
Not the façade I became to be.
So I said, ‘I want to be a bird. I want to be happy and free. I want to chase the skies; I want to chase my dreams. I want to feel the kiss of the wind on my face. I want to fly high.’
Then he said, ‘You can be a bird if you want to. Free yourself from your own chains and then you can be one.’
I want to go back but going back means that I am giving up on what this different world’s challenge for me is. Going back means that I am not strong enough to face the hardships I am and will be facing. Yes, there are times when I think of going back, but then I decide not to because I believe in myself and the people I love believes in me that I can do this. I can do whatever it is and be successful in it. Not because I am invincible, but because I have people who believes in me and that is the thing that makes me strong enough to hold on and continue.
Kapag sinipag ako. Kidding. But yeah, I shall post it when I wake up tomorrow.