I like somebody but we’ve never even met. I want to tell him, but I’m too fucking scared. It’s complicated. There are so many scenarios running inside my brain. So many ‘what ifs’, so many ‘whys’. My brain’s about to burst anytime, and my heart…oh, let’s not talk about my heart.

And this toxic feelings are back again.
Who said they could come back?
I hate them. I don’t need them.
They suffocate me. I hate them.
But I hate myself more.

hipindie:

i need a hug, or a good cry. or both, maybe a bottle of vodka.

They keep blaming my generation for the things we did not do, for the things we could not control.

They treat us like shit because it was embedded into their minds that because they’ve been here longer, they’re always right, therefore we should keep our opinions to ourselves - keep our mouths shut and obey them without question.

They told us to dream, and then when we did they broke our dreams telling us that we won’t make it. And then when we try to reach for our dreams, they’d call us idiots for doing so just because they thought our dreams weren’t good enough.

They kept telling us to stop being lazy, and stop using depression and anxiety as an excuse because it’s all in our minds and that we just wanted attention.

Then they tell us that our generation doesn’t care about anything that’s happening around us especially if they do not benefit us, when they constantly told us, “Why would you do that? It doesn’t concern you anyway,” whenever we tried to care.

They think they understand us and know what we’re thinking, but they don’t. They think that what we feel right now does not matter because we’re immature, but they do.

They might say I don’t know what I’m saying because I’m an idiot who doesn’t know anything about life (even though I believe I’ve seen enough). But then again, what do I know?

Most people think I’m “chill” when I’m really not. I feel so anxious about so many things in my life that I even dream of them sometimes. I constantly think about every possible scenarios that could happen and what I’d do or say which makes it harder for me to sleep at night because I always have this nonstop imaginary conversation with someone in my mind. And whenever I try to think about other stuff, my mind just goes back to that conversation like a fucking boomerang.

I constantly worry whether I’m being “too much” or “not enough” for other people. I always make it seem that I don’t really care about what others think or say about me, but I actually do. I overanalyze all the little details - the way they look at me, what tone they used (were they sarcastic or is it just me), their facial expression, their body language. There’s also an irrational fear of being judged by every stranger who looks at me. I feel as if there’s something wrong with how I look whenever somebody looks at me, whenever somebody glances at me.

And I hate it. I wish I could be “chill” but I couldn’t. I wish I wasn’t too sensitive about petty stuff because it could be very mentally tiring that you couldn’t cope with stuff you should actually worry about. I just hate it.

We are the “buffet” generation. We live in a world where options are endless, a world which encourages us to try everything it offers. While it is nice to have a taste of everything, it could be quite overwhelming. Knowing that what the world could offer are good or satisfying, we tend to invest in everything we could get our hands on because of the fear of missing out (FOMO). But while we indulge ourselves in these pleasures, we somehow lose ourselves - we forget things which matter. That as we chase these things, we momentarily forget our goals. We slightly forget who we are and what we really want, and dive in the huge plate full of choices. As I have mentioned, it is not bad to have a taste, however once we have tried these things, it is essential to take a step back and think.

Think. Especially when you feel like drowning. Remember what your goals were before you dived in. Have they changed? If they haven’t, then hold on to them. If they did, then formulate a new plan on how to achieve them.

Let go of the things which feel like a burden to you. Let go of the things you feel forced to like. Remember that you don’t have to have everything. Screw FOMO. Because most of the time, it will just make you feel like a pretentious prick. Who cares if you don’t have everything? At least you have something you can hold on to - things that you actually care about.

Screw FOMO.

zabooology:

i just want to be with someone because i feel so lonely. i know that most people say to avoid entering relationships just because you’re lonely, but i just cannot bear this sinking feeling inside my chest every single time. being strong for myself gets tiring, too, you know? i don’t have best friends. i’m not really super close with my friends because i’m too suspicious and paranoid whether they really like me or they say bad things about me behind my back which is why i choose not to open up to them because i always think what they would think of me. would they judge me for what is going inside my mind? do they even really care?

i just want to be with someone because i feel so fucking lonely. i want to be with someone who is honest with me. i want to be with someone who understands me. i want to be with someone who actually cares about me. i know it’s selfish because i might really be a selfish bitch. but hey, i never said that i would never be honest with him or would never try to understand him. because the best thing that i could say if he’s with me is that i actually fucking care once i’m in. 

i want to be with someone because i feel so very fucking lonely. i want to be with someone because i have so much cares to give but have no one to give it to. i want to show someone that i really care about him to the point that he might feel so annoyed with my hovering around him. i want to feel how to care about someone who wants to be taken care of. i’m tired of taking care of people who just dismiss me because they do not want me poking around their business. 

i just want to be with someone.

“Is it bad if I crave for affection so much?”

“…”

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